Ah, Spring! The Smell of the NFL Is in the Air

Ah, spring. Catchers and pitchers report. The NBA shifts into playoff gear, and the soft winter’s glow of the NFL’s past season is soon to be swept from our fireplaces. The NFL, however, has other ways of remaining in our hearts…

Ray Lewis is just smart enough to get away with double murder, or smart enough to just help it along a bit. Lordy, this man is dumber than seaweed. When he talks, it sounds as if he’s still trying to spit out his mouthpiece from his playing days. Instead of putting him in their studios, ESPN should give him his own weekly NFL Criminal Countdown show where he could review the latest arrests, place his fake glasses upon his face, look at the camera and spew the idiotic drivel that his ex-teammates no longer have to listen to, but that we do.

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Speaking of murderers, I can say that I am not among their ranks. Yet. However, if I have to listen to one more billionaire asshole say that if the city won’t build a stadium for him, he may have to relocate, I may just jam an icepick into the pud’s cranium.

You tell me how it makes sense that a guy with billions of dollars has to demand that the working people of the city pay for his stadium. After these poor slobs shell out their tax dollars for his stadium, he proceeds to jack up prices until those who paid for it, can never afford to visit it. So help me God, hand me a freaking ice pick!

Seriously! How can any fan be enthusiastic about a team relocating to their city when they can’t be sure the team will stay longer than a single generation? Paul Tagliabue was a weak piece of garbage, and he allowed this NFL team turnstile to take place. Here’s an idea. If you want an NFL team, CREATE one. You can then BUILD a stadium with YOUR OWN MONEY. If your team can’t fill a stadium because you have spent years slopping a crappy team onto the field, go back to school and learn Business 101.

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Hello, Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings? You two used to play in the old “Black and Blue” Division in the NFL, which was also known as the NFL’s Central Division. It’s time you two high-tail it over to the Lingerie League—especially you, Vikings, with your increasingly swishy uniforms. Come back when you are men enough rejoin the Packers and Bears under the icy northern skies.to once again play outdoors.

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Flopstakes: All Time Greatest

Ryan Leaf was way out in front of the pack with Jamarcus Russell and Vince Young lagging at the back. However, Johnny Manziel has made a crazy leap into the fray and is bounding past all comers!

Can he leapfrog the pack straight out of rehab and wind up in prison before Ryan Leaf gets his second parole officer?